Part 38 (1/2)
Spence, on his part, seemed unaware of a certain tenseness in the att.i.tude of both Desire and John, a symptom which might have suggested many things to a reflective mind.
”You look frightfully 'het up,' Bones,” he said. ”And your collar is wilting. Better pause in your mad career and have some tea.”
”Thanks, can't. Office hours--see you later,” jerked the doctor rapidly as he turned his car.
”What have you been doing to John to bring on an attack of 'office hours' at this time of day?” asked Spence as he and Desire crossed the lawn together. ”Wasn't the great idea a success?”
”John thinks it was.”
It was so unlike Desire to give someone else's opinion when asked for her own that the professor said ”um.”
”I suppose,” she added stiffly, ”it is a question of values.”
”Something for something--and a doubt as to whether one pays too dear for the whistle? Well, don't worry about it. If you could not help, you probably could not hurt, either.... I had a letter from Li Ho this afternoon.”
”A letter!” Desire's swift step halted. Her eyes, wide and startled, questioned him. ”A letter from Li Ho? But Li Ho can't write--in English.”
”Can't he? Wait until you've read it. But I shan't let you read it, if you look like that.”
”Like what? Frightened? But I am frightened. I can't help it. I know it's foolish. But the more I forget--the worse it is when I remember.”
”You must get over that. Sit here while I fetch the letter. Aunt is out. I'll tell Olive to bring tea.”
Desire sat where he placed her. It was very pleasant there with the green slope of the lawn and the cool shadow of trees. But her widely opened eyes saw nothing of its homely peace. They saw, instead, a curving stretch of moonlit beach and a trail which wound upwards into thick darkness. Ever since she had broken away, that vision had haunted her, now near and menacing, now dimmer and farther off, but always there like a spectre of the past.
”It hasn't let me go--it is there always--waiting,” thought Desire. And in the still warmth of the garden she s.h.i.+vered.
The sense of Self, which is our proudest possession, receives some curious shocks at times. Before the mystery of its own strange changing the personality stands appalled. The world swings round in chaos before the startled question, ”Who am I--where is that other Self that once was I?”
Only a few months separated Desire from her old life in the mountain cottage and already the mental and spiritual separation seemed infinite. But was it? Was there any real separation at all? That ghost of herself, which she had left behind on the moonlit beach, was it not still as much herself as ever it had been? Behind the shrouding veil of the present might not the old life still live, and the old Self wander, fixed and changeless? It was a fantastic idea of Desire's that the girl she had been was still where she had left her, working about the log-walled rooms, or wandering alone by the s.h.i.+ning water. This Self knew no other life, would never know it--had no lot or part in the new life of the new Desire. Yet in its background she was always there, a figure of fate, waiting. Through the pleasant, busy days Desire forgot her--almost. But never was she quite free from the pull of that unsevered bond.
Until today there had been no actual word from the discarded past. Dr.
Farr had not replied to Desire's brief announcement of her marriage.
She had not expected that he would. And for the rest, Spence had arranged with Li Ho for news of anything which might concern the old man's welfare.
”Here is the letter,” said Benis, breaking in upon her musing. ”You will see that, if the clear expression of thought const.i.tutes good English, Li Ho's English is excellent.”
He handed her a single sheet of blue note paper, beautiful with a narrow purple border and the very last word in ”chaste and distinctive”
stationery.
”Honorable Spence and Respected Sir”--wrote Li Ho--”I address husband as is propriety but include to Missy wishes of much happiness.
Honorable Boss and father is as per accustomed but no different.
Admirable Sami child also of strong appet.i.te when last observed.
Departure of Missy is well to remain so. Moon-devil not say when, but arrive spontaneous. This insignificant advise from worthless personage Li Ho.”
Desire handed back the letter with a hand that was not quite steady.
The professor frowned. He had hoped that she was beginning to forget.